Found what I've been looking for

I hate it when I’m looking for something and I can’t find it.
More especially when that ‘something’ is myself...

Good old Nietzsche said that person’s mental development ends with his or her death. There is no stage where you can say: this is it, I’m complete, I can’t learn any more. And I can’t agree more. There are way too many different stimuli all around for our mind to ignore them, and even the most ignorant person is affected by them. Whether in a good or bad way. If you could record a human mind in a time-lapse it would probably go only two ways: either it would bloom or fade like a flower. There certainly is a flower inside you. Not even a biology textbook could name all the kinds of flora we are made of, nor any binomial nomenclature could label what sort of plant there is in your core. Either a beautiful white lily, pure orchid, passionate rose, a dry succulent, thorny bush, an evergreen, or a wild weed, all these plants have a thing in common: they need to be nourished to grow. When they lack the necessities to survive they decay gradually, until they fade. There is no guide, no tips, no tricks how to take care of your flower. Only you know what it needs. And if you don't happen to know, you need to find out. As soon as possible, because you never know when it might be too late. 

I was restless, defiant, sometimes agressive. Didn’t quite know where it springs, why do I feel this uncomfortable in my own self? Everyone was wrong, everyone opposed me and I didnt’t get why. I thought the problem is with the others, it definitely can’t be me. My thoughts didn’t change, until I had started to clean my own closet, started from the zero point, I got back to the very basics and began my psycho-hygiene. I went through stages - denial, bargaining... to acceptance. I finally reconciled and signed an imaginary peace treaty with myself and my optics have changed. It suddenly set all things in motion, like a domino effect. The relationships started to make sense. The friendships worth it were strengthened and the ones that did not bring any pleasure were eliminated. My loving family became more loving, not that they had started to love me more, only I started to be able to receive their love and give it back in full measure. I ceased to care about the less loving part of my family and concluded that pretense is a waste of time. I came to understand my lovely boy, who has such a good heart that only an evenly good heart can appreciate. I found out that animals, like my friends, are dearest to me when alive and I found my balance. Balance inside and outside. I stopped tilting at windmills. And I discovered that if you’re missing something, you have to find it in yourself. Start with yourself. Maybe then you will find what you were failing to grasp and can pass it forward...

My flower is still just a bud, but since the sun is shining and I keep watering it regularly, I can already see colourful petals making their way through, determined to blossom.

It has been a long search and it took the better part of my life to find out how to keep my flora thriving. I finally found the essential. I found love. And that day I found it even the reflection in the mirror looked more beautiful. 

(Tracy and his Tiger)

The Search

A man or a girl in the name of Tracy,

Chased by a sandstorm all dark and hazy,

In this ominous dance must be a fighter

To find the one willing to shelter a tiger.

Seemingly endless such is this storm,

The time always drags just before dawn.

Awaiting a car that greets a hitch-hiker,

Who begets next morning to look brighter.

Someone who shows life could not be better.

The one who composes a song from a letter.

One who brings water when the thirst is great.

Who blurs the line between real and faith.

When all the words betray their meanings,

One will revive from the ashes of Phoenix.

A pair of headlights emerge from the mist

Beseeching two animals to coexist.

I wish in this voyage you were the driver,

Who in the end saves me and my tiger.